It’s been two weeks of training camp. My friends and I have had our share of highs and lows: spiritually, mentally, and physically. This past week has been particularly challenging for me in several ways. My faith was challenged in a way like never before just a few days ago because of a particular teaching session here (in order to respect others and be modest I will refrain from sharing details on my blog). In fact, for a brief moment at this time I found myself questioning if I even wanted to be here anymore and if this was what I thought it was. However, this moment of fear and doubt quickly turned around when I started praying and reading scripture with some people from my squad who had been affected similarly. I started meditating on God’s truth and came to the realization that even in the midst of intense confusion and mental chaos God is steadfast and faithful, and he has not left me.
Psalm 112:6-9 says “For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries. He has distributed freely; he has given to the poor; his righteousness endures forever; his horn is exalted in honor.” This passage reminds me that God is our ultimate source of confidence and hope; that we can truly rely on and turn to him in any and all challenges and HE WILL NEVER FAIL. As I’m praying and meditating on scripture the bridge to the worship song “Reckless Love” suddenly filled my mind: “There’s no shadow you won’t light up, no mountain you won’t climb up, coming after me, there’s no wall you won’t kick down, no lies you won’t tear down, coming after me.” All my fear and doubting disappeared as soon as I started filling my mind with the truth of God and praising him for his faithfulness and reckless pursuit of our hearts. Even in this challenging episode I now see that he was right here all along, using this moment to draw me closer to him and further reveal himself to me.
In fact, I’m actually really grateful to have experienced such doubts and fear and to have been challenged in the way that I was because it has drawn me closer to God and profoundly revealed to me that it’s time for me to die completely to myself. What does dying to myself look like? To me, to die to myself is to be obedient to God’s calling on my life and put the things of him and his kingdom before my personal interests. Many people, myself included, tend to have a deprecatory mindset towards the idea of dying to yourself. I actually like my life. I enjoy taking action towards the things that I like and making myself content. I like pursuing happiness in material things such as new guitars and fun times. You’re telling me that I have to abandon these things that make me happy? While I’m not saying that these things are inherently bad or unhealthy for me to invite into my life or that I need to give up on them completely, by dying to myself I am coming to the realization that God is calling me to something higher and even more fulfilling than anything else. We first belong to God and are instruments for the furthering of his kingdom and glory. This is not an obligation, but a privilege. God is inviting you into something that is infinitely more fulfilling than anything life can offer: a relationship with him. To surrender ourselves to God is an incredibly freeing mindset to carry because it shows us that we are unable to find joy and true fulfillment apart from him. Once we accept that, we realize that nothing can offset us because the King of the universe has a plan for our lives, one that isn’t promised to be easy but will bring glory to him.
I have to be honest, it’s hard for me to fully give in to that mindset, it’s definitely a difficult journey. However, that is why I am doing this trip. So far training camp has required me to give things up and put up with annoying things. I have to eat food that I don’t always enjoy, and sometimes not enough of it. Mold has grown in my tent and it stinks. I have a terrible fear of spiders and it’s all fun and games until a banana spider with a four inch leg span is spinning its web around my tent and the only way I can get into the tent is to deal with it like a man. As I’m typing this I have a terrible poison ivy infection on both of my hands that is spreading a little up my arms. However, I have been learning to count these things as joy because through these trails I am learning to endure and find peace with God, and to die to myself as I accept that God is more important than life’s circumstances (James 1:2). Thank you for reading through 865 words about my experience with training camp and being so willing to keep up with me through this.
Stay fresh,
Micah
Micah, I’ve read this a couple times. I’m proud, encouraged, concerned, convicted, surprised, blessed, and more…but, above all, I’m thankful for what God is doing in you. Thank you for sharing this!
You are a very wise young man! You’ve inspired me to “ go for it” wholeheartedly with eyes wide open!! May your upcoming days continue to grow you…and hang in there despite those “banana spiders”!!! Steve and I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing your heart! Blessings, Steve and Aunt Merri
Micah- Great blog and great reflections. Dying to oneself means you can see yourself as God does. Valued, significant, loved. Full of mission and purpose in the Kingdom. It IS so good. Press into the journey and through the obstacles. It sounds like you’ve learned much already!
What an excellent word, Micah. I am so encouraged by what you said about dying to self – that it’s not a loss but a calling to something greater that can only be found in God. Love it. I will be praying for you as you navigate through all of the ups and downs. Love you so much!
Wow! Such powerful words. Only God can produce peace in suffering, and though it’s a hard lesson, I’m proud of you for letting God teach it to you! He’s challenging me through your story, and I can’t wait to follow even more!
Am so challenged by your honest, grappling with huge life issues and with daily irritations that scream for you to give up. I don’t know you personally Micah but am already being stretched and challenged by your words and example. Thankyou. Praying for you!
Hey there! I’m so glad to hear from you, thank you for these words.
Thank you!